Column: I can love you in the dark


Photo credit: Marissa Gendy

This photograph was taken on my bus ride home, one late afternoon. Throughout the day, the sky was dark and the sun barely shined. This photograph depicts this. A day where everything felt dark, sun barely shining. This symbolizes the days where nothing feels to be in our favor with the sun barely peering through as the love we have for ourselves even in the dark.

By Marissa Gendy, Columnist

Dear past self,

Do you remember that place? 

The place that no one likes to talk about. The place that is different for all but experienced by all. When everything in the world seems to be going wrong and your mind begins to drift off into this place. Where the colors that made our world beautiful seem to only consist of shades of grey. Biting your nails, spinning your ring around your finger, bouncing your leg: everything seemed to be under control, but it was the worst when others started to notice.

Worst of all, you don’t feel like yourself. You lose yourself, and the way you move through life becomes distorted. Questions, comments and thoughts are what fills your life, not experiences, memories or dreams. 

The art you created felt generic. A painting of the sunset, a picture of a flower and a poem about love. Done before, it lost the happiness that was tied to creation. Basketball is now a routine: miss a shot, fix your form and make the shot. Math stopped being about the journey to the answer but about the grade itself. The little things in life that once brought you joy somehow began to lose value. 

Looking back, do you remember how hard it was to smile for yourself and how easy it was to put on a smile for others? How easy it was to ignore what made you happy to please others?

There are things I hope you know now. I hope you know how to love yourself, bring yourself out of the dark and make something out of the bad in our world. I hope it took one time in the dark to realize that the only way out is by loving yourself. I hope you know that no matter how cliché it is, after every rainstorm, there is a rainbow waiting to show itself. I hope you know that being numb isn’t what makes the hurting stop, it is recognizing that the hurting is what makes you alive.

Most importantly I hope you remember to love every part of yourself. The mind that makes you overthink, the heart that makes you feel too much and the skin that protects your infrastructure. Everything that makes you, you, will be criticized, ridiculed and made fun of. It’s the way the world works. And it’s your job to remember to block out the noise, it’s all in the background waiting to see you fail. Prove them wrong, succeed and in the process be your person. The person that makes you smile, that makes you happy and that tells you, you are enough without fighting to be enough. 

I hope you remember that you can love yourself in the dark.

Much love, 

Your future self