Sibling birth order stereotypes are well-known: the youngest is the (spoiled) pride and joy, the middle is spunky and a little neglected and the eldest is the independent, bossy perfectionist. Whether or not these statements fit your family, there is one big problem with them: we place the world on the eldest’s shoulders when we start to expect that “perfection.”

After however long in the spotlight, the eldest assumes responsibilities from the moment their sibling is welcomed into the world. Once two children prove to be more of a burden than one, the firstborn is forced to start helping out, no matter their age. They become more independent, solidifying things, such as academic performance, extracurriculars, social life and housework in order to lift a burden off of their parents. If the eldest pulls it off, parents accept it without a second thought.

The problem isn’t that this pressure will destroy us; perhaps the problem is the lack of second thought.

Soon enough, the eldest starts helping out with “the kids.” I was 12 years old when I became a co-mother; turns out you don’t have to adopt or give birth to assume the role. This wasn’t a babysitting job. I found myself making quesadillas, debating over getting dressed and entertaining and protecting my two younger sisters while my parents went to work each day. Even in a household with two nurturing parents, this role is normal.

This responsibility was locked in place by my family. My parents started to refer to me by my name, and my sisters by “the girls.” Soon enough, my youngest sister also adapted to my role, nicknaming me “Mama Lulu” and “Mama Number Two.”

According to Daniel Eckstein of Saba University, “first-borns are the teachers, and later-borns are the learners.” From helping out with remote learning to explaining current events, many eldest assume a teacher role for their siblings.

During the Capitol Insurrection on Jan. 6, 2021, my 9-year-old sister marveled at the mob with signs, screams, bats and Trump hats attacking the Capitol building. When she offered the inevitable question, “What’s going on?”, it was hard to even register as I realized I had no idea myself. How do I explain evil to a 9-year-old? After an awkward “some people in this world don’t agree,” I knew my depiction of these events wasn’t even near correct. Shouldn’t I have a place to ask, “What’s going on?”

This role affects not only the younger siblings but the eldest themselves. Alfred Adler’s Birth Order Theory finds that the eldest children are constantly striving to please the expectation set by their parents. Their protective manner over siblings could develop into an “authoritarian and strict” personality. The constant focus on this role could also lead to a loss in development.

The eldest could “miss out on the developmentally appropriate and essential activities that typically characterize childhood moments,” according to Jennifer A. Engelhardt of Columbia University.

Firstborns like me might skip scootering around the park, the neighbor’s bat mitzvah or their favorite ice cream shop in order to make sure the kids get their homework done.

This help is often acknowledged by parents; however, it may be disguised as only a protective aspect they have over our siblings. Between helping with the kids and living up to parents’ expectations, life gets exhausting. When they expect us to be perfect and not our siblings, it contributes to that unhealthy expectation.

Our job is to be role models, so remember that we need one too; Beyonce is a little out of reach.

So what can parents do?

Spend more independent time with us without overloading us with chores or responsibilities. Some eldest even need your vocal permission to simply be a kid. 

Whether your older sibling makes you lunch or yells at you, growing up with that relationship defines a childhood. But while the eldest is seen as strong and bossy from the outside, on the inside they are still simply a kid. I cherish every moment with my sisters, good or bad. But to hold on to that child inside us, parents should not only spoil the youngest or debate with the middle but also recognize the rock of the family: the eldest.